Curiosity Over Criticism

It is easy to look at someone's behavior and decide we know what is going on.

They are not following through. They have a bad attitude. They are not listening. They do not care enough. They should know better.

And sometimes, we may even be right.

But one of the most important lessons I have learned about leadership, coaching, and relationships is this: what we see is not always the whole story.

Before we criticize what we see, we need to become curious about what we do not see.

Criticism Starts With a Conclusion

Criticism says, "I know what the problem is."

Curiosity says, "I wonder what is happening here?"

That small difference can completely change a conversation.

Imagine an employee who has recently started missing deadlines. A leader could immediately assume that person has become careless or unmotivated. The conversation then begins from that assumption:

"You really need to get better about meeting your deadlines."

But what if the employee is unclear about a new responsibility? What if priorities are competing? What if there is a skill gap they are embarrassed to admit? What if something has changed that the leader knows nothing about?

The missed deadline still needs to be addressed. Curiosity does not mean avoiding accountability. It means understanding the situation before deciding how to address it.

That is an important distinction.

Questions Before Suggestions

This is why I often say, questions before suggestions.

As leaders, we are problem solvers. Someone brings us a problem and we immediately want to fix it. We give advice, explain what should happen, correct the behavior, or tell someone what we would do.

But leadership is not simply having the answer.

Sometimes the best thing a leader can do is ask one more question.

Before responding, try:

What am I assuming right now?

What don't I know yet?

What question could I ask that would help me understand this better?

Those few seconds of curiosity can keep us from solving the wrong problem.

Curiosity Does Not Eliminate Accountability

This is where I think people sometimes misunderstand compassionate leadership.

Listening does not mean lowering your standards. Asking questions does not mean accepting poor performance. Understanding why something happened does not mean pretending it did not happen.

Good leadership requires both understanding and accountability.

If someone continually misses deadlines, the deadlines still matter. If someone speaks disrespectfully, the behavior still needs to be addressed. If an agreement is broken, there may still be consequences.

But there is a difference between saying:

"You obviously don't care about this."

and asking:

"I've noticed this has happened several times. Help me understand what's getting in the way."

One attacks the person's character.

The other addresses the behavior while opening the door to understanding.

That is a much better place from which to lead.

The Principle Works Outside the Workplace Too

Curiosity over criticism is not only a leadership skill. It is a relationship skill.

We make assumptions about our spouses, our children, our friends, people at church, clients, coworkers, and sometimes complete strangers.

We even do it to ourselves.

"I should be further along by now."

"Why can't I get this together?"

"I should know what I'm doing."

What would happen if we replaced some of that criticism with curiosity?

Instead of, "What's wrong with me?" perhaps the better question is, "What is making this difficult for me right now?"

That is the same question I ask about the things we believe about ourselves — who told you that?

That question doesn't excuse us from taking action. It helps us identify the action we actually need to take.

Scripture Has Something to Say About This

James 1:19 tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

I think there is tremendous leadership wisdom in that instruction.

Listen first.

Not because truth does not matter. Not because accountability does not matter. But because we cannot respond wisely to something we have not taken the time to understand.

Proverbs 18:13 takes it even further, warning against answering a matter before we have heard it.

In other words, Scripture was teaching questions before suggestions long before we turned listening into a leadership competency.

It is the same instinct behind asking what God says about it before we decide what we think.

Try This in Your Next Difficult Conversation

The next time someone's behavior frustrates you, resist the urge to immediately explain, correct, defend, or diagnose.

Ask yourself:

1. What do I actually know?
Separate facts from the story you have created about those facts.

2. What am I assuming?
Be especially careful when your assumption is about someone's motivation or character.

3. What can I ask?
Choose a question that creates understanding rather than defensiveness.

Then listen to the answer.

You may discover that your original conclusion was correct. You may discover something completely different.

Either way, you will be responding from information rather than assumption.

Rewrite the Script This Week

Think about one person or situation that has been frustrating you.

Write down the sentence you have been telling yourself about it.

Maybe it is:

"They don't care."

"She never listens."

"He isn't taking responsibility."

"My team just won't step up."

Now rewrite that statement as a question.

"What might I not understand yet?"

Then have the conversation.

Not to prove your assumption.

Not to prepare your response while the other person is talking.

Go into it genuinely curious about what you might learn.

Because some of the strongest leaders I know aren't the people with the fastest answers.

They are the people willing to ask one more question before reaching a conclusion.

Curiosity over criticism. Questions before suggestions.

Sometimes better leadership really does begin with simply being willing to listen.

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